Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
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I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.