Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
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Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.