[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
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I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.