It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
You Might Also Like
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Dishonest mechanic?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!