I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
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Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]