Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
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If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
The news
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”