court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
You Might Also Like
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Worst perfume name ever.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left