Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
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[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Nose
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
You had me at “define legal”.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.