My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
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Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Whisper out to librarians!
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Your honor these allegations are