20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
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if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”