[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
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Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails