If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
😎 🍻
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”