My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
You Might Also Like
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
This raises questions
how to exercise your calf muscles
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.