Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
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41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
getting corrected
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
welcome back
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.