Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
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Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
step 6: release the wall snake
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
it’s the silliest best thing
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .