May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
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While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…