Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
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Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle