Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
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Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws