Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
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The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.