Every damn time
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*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now