Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
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A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
This headline is a thing of beauty
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try