Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
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You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Can. I. Help. You.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫