Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
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[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Sunday
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.