Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
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Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?