CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
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I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.