My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
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The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.