Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Whoa… oh I see lol
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I’M CRYINGGG
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
That’s enough internet for the day
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?