My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
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living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I wish this was real life…
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that