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This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake