picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
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What’s so funny?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”