The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
best first i’ve ever seen
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.