I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
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hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.