*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
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Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.