Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
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I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
so much to do
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.