My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
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I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop