This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
You Might Also Like
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars