[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
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I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.