My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Brands during Pride
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️