[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
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My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Confused owl: What?!