I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
You Might Also Like
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too