me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
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will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck