I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
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The human personality is made of five key elements
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I’m giving up for Lent.
relationship goals
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*