*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.