[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
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Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves