I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
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Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Do not levitate over flowers
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha