I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
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A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Rt to bother an English speaker
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown