Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
You Might Also Like
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.