me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
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[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?