I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
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[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
What the hell happened here.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*