The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
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[loses house key, starts a new life]
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.